Are You a Bad Friend?
Explore whether you’re a good or bad friend in marriage with Gottman's “magic ratio” of positive to negative interactions and the destructive 'Four Horsemen' behaviors (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling).
Transcript
INTRO
We are in the second week of our relationship series, Married Friends. And this morning, we will explore the one thing that you can do to be a good friend or a bad friend specifically in your marriage, but this is relevant to all relationships. How do you know when you have a good friend? What are the things you look for? What makes a bad friend? How can you differentiate between the good and the bad? Sometimes it can help by examining friendships that we see so they inspire us or help us sift through the people in life.
EXAMPLES OF GOOD FRIENDS AND BAD FRIENDS
When I think about a good friend, I think about what Elsa and Anna from Frozen have. Anna loves Elsa for who she is. It doesn’t matter if she causes blizzards and sends her town into an eternal winter. Anna just wants to have fun and build a snowman with Elsa. It isn’t what Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunn have from Dumb and Dumber. Harry helps drive Lloyd from Rhode Island to Colorado so Lloyd can connect with his love interest, but Lloyd’s lack of courage and jealousy causes him to take it out on his best friend by spiking his drink with a laxative. Terrible. Just terrible. But it is what Brian O’Connor and Dominic Toretto have from The Fast and the Furious. A willingness to protect each other no matter what. Even if it lands you in prison. It’s more than friendship. It’s family.
While I’d love to have friends racing to my rescue in their fancy sports car, it really doesn’t take a lot for us to experience stable and happy marriages and relationships. Based on scientific research by John Gottman, a psychologist who has done much research on marriage and divorce, he has found the one thing you can do to experience stable and happy relationships.
The MAGIC RATIO:
Gottman has a concept called The Magic Relationship Ratio. He determined the one thing separating healthy and unhealthy marriages and it’s this:
For every one negative interaction, a stable and happy marriage needs to have five (or more) positive interactions.
The magic ratio is 5:1. Five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Unhappy couples tend to engage in fewer positive interactions and when the ratio becomes 1:1 or less, it’s a good indication that a marriage is teetering on divorce. Sounds easy right? Yes and no. When we are aware of the relational dynamics, it isn’t all that difficult, but there are particular things that we have to watch out for. And if we don’t, it can really hurt our relationships.
THE 4 HORSEMEN: NEGATIVE INTERACTIONS TO BE AWARE OF
Specifically, there are 4 negative interactions we have to be aware of, otherwise we can really damage our relationship. Gottman refers to these as the 4 Horsemen, a reference to Revelation 6 where 4 horsemen (representing famine, plague, conquest, and death) usher the end of time. Now, negative interactions are normal in relationships. You should expect negative interactions in relationships, but you have to watch out for these four and they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Though dangerous, they each have an antidote when we experience them. So if you’re ready, let’s explore what they are and what we can do we experience them.
Criticism
The first horsemen is criticism. Criticism is a personal attack about your partner’s character. Criticism targets their being and exposes them as a flaw. It’s different from a complaint because a complaint targets a behavior. Criticism targets the person. Criticism can sound like this,
You never help with the kids and the housework!
Often, they are exaggerated “you” statements targeting the person you’re talking to:
You never
You always
These exaggerated statements are harsh absolutes that attack our partners making them feel less than. Criticism can also show up with "you should have” statements.
You should have known
You should have listened
These statements cause your partner to feel judged suggesting that there’s something wrong with them for not knowing. Thankfully there is an antidote to criticism. The solution to criticism is avoiding “you” statements. Instead, use “I” statements expressing how you feel and share what you need. Instead of saying,
You never help with the kids and the housework!
You can say, “I feel overwhelmed about caring for the kids and doing the housework. I need more help from you.”
Gottman refers to this as a soft or gentle start-up and it follows this formula.
“I feel about , and I need .”
It’s really important to use an emotion to describe how you feel. This allows you to be vulnerable by expressing what is happening internally and informing your partner of what you need and vulnerability creates connection. If you can stop criticism from becoming habitual in your relationship, you can save yourself from a lot of hurt, but left unresolved it leads to the second horsemen, contempt.
Contempt
Contempt is considered the worst of the horsemen. It’s the number one predictor of divorce. Contempt is a destructive behavior in a relationship. It shows up when someone is disrespectful, disapproval, being mean, mocking, name-calling, or mimicking the other. Even body language shows contempt with side eyes or eye rolls to comments that you disagree with. Contempt conveys disgust of your partner and superiority over your partner. You are telling your partner “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.” Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner. It is destructive because when your partner gets the message that you’re disgusted with them, they don’t want to resolve conflicts. But there is a way to fight against contempt. The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect. You can do this by
Regularly expressing appreciation, gratitude, and affection.
You can offer daily gestures of physical affection that demonstrate your appreciation of them like a kiss, a hug, holding hands, a conversation, or saying thank you to each other.
If you're stuck in contempt, it helps to think and talk about the happy moments you’ve experienced in your relationship with your partner. This helps you reconnect. You can also share about the tough times that you’ve overcome. It helps build a sense of solidarity and creates a positive perspective of your relationship. Similar to the first horsemen, left unresolved, it’ll lead you to experience the third horsemen, defensiveness.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. We all get defensive when we feel attacked, but Gottman differentiates this defensiveness as innocent victimhood. When relationships are unhealthy and defensiveness shows up it can look like this. If the partner receives a complaint or criticism they will act as an innocent victim. They turn the table by becoming defensive and take no responsibility for the issue resulting. This results in them blaming their partner for the issue. It can look like:
Complaint: “Did you call your parents to let them know we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”,
Defensiveness: “I was too busy today. You know how busy my schedule is. Why didn’t you just do it?”
This results in no resolution because it turns into a blame game and conflict escalates. The solution to defensiveness? Take responsibility. If you receive a complaint, accept the responsibility you have in the situation. Acknowledge what you failed to do and take responsibility for what went wrong. This helps you and your partner become a team to work through the problem. Now, if none of these are resolved, we get the final horsemen, stonewalling.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is a response someone resorts to when they excessively experience all the horsemen. It’s also a response to contempt. Stonewalling is when one person completely withdraws from the interaction. They might become unresponsive and avoidant by turning away when their partner tries to get their attention. They’ll shut down and stop responding because they are emotionally overwhelmed. Gottman calls this flooding.
Flooding can feel like falling down a deep and dark hole filled with anger, hurt, panic, and fear. It can feel like being backed into a corner, and you can’t do anything, but create an invisible barrier between you and your partner. This can also cause an involuntary response where the overwhelmed person reacts by fighting, flighting (escaping), or freezing.
Over time stonewalling can become a habit. When this happens, it’s impossible to continue with the conversation. If you try, you will probably experience a similar level of frustration causing you to check out too. With stonewalling, there are a few things to be aware of. Gottman has found that 85% of stonewallers are men. Unfortunately, when men stonewall, it causes women to feel even more upset increasing their heart rates and intensifying the pursuit of the issue. The solution to stonewalling? Take a break. Request to take a break for at least 20 minutes and find ways to calm yourself down.
Think of something or somewhere that makes you feel calm and safe.
Focus on your breath. When you’re flooded your breaths are shallow. Pay attention to your inhale and exhale. Try to exhale longer than you inhale.
Stretch parts of your body that feel tense and uncomfortable.
Do something soothing and distracting.
Take a walk
Listen to music
Read a book
After your break, you’ll return to the conversation more respectfully and rationally. Agree to take another break if you find that you need it. With stonewalling, pay attention to how this shows up in your body. When we are in conflict and experience stress we can often feel it in our bodies. So consider a break when you start feeling tense in your body.
So, those are the 4 horsemen. 4 specific negative interactions that we have to watch out for in our relationships.
POSITIVE INTERACTIONS WE CAN PRACTICE
While it’s important to be aware of these negative experiences, Gottman’s research shows that we also have to be aware of our positive interactions too! To be specific, we have to be aware of how many positive interactions we experience. Gottman’s magic ratio that makes relationships stable and happy is that we need to experience 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction. So, what are positive interactions that you can demonstrate? Here’s a list of many things you can do :
Be interested in your partner
Listen to them
Be interest in what they’re talking about. Ask open-ended questions
Demonstrate your interest in them with non-verbal communication like nodding and eye contact
Express physical affection
Kiss
Hug
Hold hands. Research has shown that this can reduce stress and tension
Demonstrate that they matter
Consider the motto “small things often” – Find small ways to demonstrate that you care for your partner. Show your partner that they and their interest are important.
Intentional Appreciation
When you think of the good times, verbally express your appreciation of your partner with compliments. Compliment their traits and personality that are pleasing to you.
Find Opportunities for Agreement
Even while you are in conflict, find something you can agree with to validate your spouse’s viewpoint. It shows that you care about them. Finding things to agree on builds an alliance and shifts how you fight.
Empathize and Apologize
Empathy is one of the deepest forms of human connection. Empathy shows that you understand and feel what your partner is feeling, even if you express empathy nonverbally thru expression or gesture. It helps your partner feel like you’re both on the same team. You can never have enough empathy. Default on being empathetic
Accept Your Partner’s Perspective
Understand that each perspective is valid, even if they oppose each other
You can disagree but let them know that their perspective makes sense. It demonstrates that you respect them.
Summarize your spouse’s experience even if you disagree.
Validations don’t mean you agree, but it does show respect.
Lastly, be playful with each other.
Make jokes that maintain respect and appreciation for the other.
Tease, be silly, laughter can ease tension
Inside jokes highlight the exclusivity a couple has
For everyone 1 negative interaction, you need 5 or more of these positive interactions to have a stable and happy relationship. If it helps, keep track of your interactions. Whenever you experience a negative interaction, follow-up with 5 or more positive interactions. Keep a tally in a notebook or in your phone. This is the magic ratio to relationships.
A BIBLICAL PERSPECTIVE FROM EPHESIANS
Now while Gottman calls it magic, we know it really isn’t because it’s backed by scientific research. And what’s great is we find this concepts in the Bible too, specifically in Ephesians 4:17-5:2, the passage that was read during scripture reading. Let me read to us again, this is what it says.
17 So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18 They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19 Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.
20 That, however, is not the way of life you learned 21 when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. 28 Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
The whole book of Ephesians is focused on what Jesus Christ has done for us, primarily focusing on how he has united us together. He has brought together people who experience hostility with one another because of their different religions, ethnicities, and values and united them under his death and resurrection.
In this particular passage, Paul reminds the believers that they are no longer stuck in their old way of thinking where they over-indulge in selfish desires. Paul points out that before they believed in Christ, they engaged in excessive sexual pleasures and greed that only benefit them and no one else. He encourages them to turn away from being selfish and instead, focus on others.
They are to speak truthfully to their neighbor.
Reconcile with whoever they are angry with before the sun sets.
Stop stealing for themselves, but instead do something useful to benefit those in need.
They aren’t supposed to gossip or talk behind others, but instead if they are to build each other up with their words.
Instead of being bitter, filled with rage, and angry Paul tells them to be kind, compassionate, and forgive each other.
And the source that allows us to do all these things is the Holy Spirit. Paul reminds us that we should not grieve the Holy Spirit, meaning we shouldn’t do anything to make the Holy Spirit sad. We should do anything that goes against who the Holy Spirit is and what he represents. It is the Holy Spirit who leads us to do these things. And if we need further encouragement on how we should treat others, Paul encourages us to follow Christ’s example of how he loved us and sacrificed himself for us. Christ allows us to shift our desires from me to others. And similarly, Gottman’s magic ratio is a shift from me to my partner. Scientifically and biblically, we’re to live lives that make us a better friend to others.
CONCLUSION
As we close, I want you to write some things down. So, take your phone out or grab a pen and card in front of you. Think of someone who you want to have a stable and happy relationship with. Don’t think too hard. The first person that comes to mind. It could be your partner, child, parent, friend, spouse, or whoever. Now, I’m going to run through the list of positive interactions again, and I want you to write down the first thing that comes to your mind.
What can you do to show them that you’re interested in them?
Can you give them a hug, kiss, hold their hand, a fist bump, or a high five the next time you see them?
What can you do to show that they matter?
What do you appreciate about them and when can you tell them so they know?
What is one thing they have said about you that you agree with?
How can you be empathetic?
Can you validate their perspective even if you don’t agree?
Can you find ways to have fun with each other?
Let’s pray.
In Ephesians 3:16-21, Paul offers this prayer to them and I want to pray it over us this morning. May this prayer encourage us to find 5 positive interactions that we can practice whenever we face 1 negative interaction with our loved ones. May this prayer empower us to be reminded of the depth of Jesus’s love for us. May this prayer empower us to love others as deep as Christ loves us.
16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.