Novembering: A Time of Grief and Lament (2023)
Each year, before the holiday rush, we set aside time for a special service at RiverLife. It's a time when we grieve, remember, and celebrate the memory of those family and friends who are no longer with us.
Transcript
WHAT IS NOVEMBERING?
Novembering services are a time to slow down, check in on how we are feeling, and honor the loved ones we have lost, especially with the holidays coming up. These losses can be literal losses where we grieve for those we care for who are physically not with us. These losses can also be figurative losses where we grieve for those who we care for who are physically with us, but we are disconnected from them for whatever reason. I want us to take some time this morning to feel. It’s ok to grieve and mourn. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to look back on the memories and feel whatever you feel.
Around this time of the year is when I lost my friend Dan Thao. It’s coming up on 5 years since Dan passed away. I met Dan in college, and he became a friend who felt like an older brother after I graduated. Whenever there’s big news in sports, I am reminded of Dan. Dan loved sports and he loved Wisconsin sports even more. At the beginning of this years’ NBA season, a big trade happened where Damian Lillard, a great player, was traded to the Milwaukee Bucks who has one of the best players, Giannis Antetokounmpo. When news broke, I felt excited to see how good this duo was going to be. As a Minnesota Timberwolves fan, I felt worried how Wisconsin sports were exceling while Minnesota sports felt lacking. And I also felt a bit of sadness and loneliness that came from missing Dan. I’ve found that whenever I feel like this, it’s been helpful to post on Dan’s Facebook page. I usually mention that I miss him and I don’t expect to receive any answer, but it helps me feel connected to him even though he’s gone.
IDENTIFYING MY EMOTIONS
It’s only been recent that I’ve been able to identify the feelings I experience when I lose someone. Up until a few years ago, I’ve always wrestled with how I should feel whenever I lose someone. It didn’t help growing up Hmong because whenever I attended funerals, I would often hear people tell each other “txhob quaj quaj” or stop crying. And even though it seemed like they had good intentions, it was hard to accept because how could anyone hold back tears after losing someone so important. Although embracing our emotions is something that my culture didn’t teach me, I found that it’s definitely something the Bible teaches. In the Psalms there are 150 chapters and about half focus on lamenting. Lament psalms are typically about an individual expressing their sorrow and grief to God.
I’d imagine that many of us have similar experiences like me where we were told not to expressing our feelings so I’d assume it’s something we don’t do with God, but you’d be surprise to see how honest some of these authors in Psalms are with God. In Psalm 22, King David writes about one of his darkest moments of feeling abandoned when he was attacked by his enemies. Although this Psalm doesn’t talk about losing someone we love, I think it’s relatable when we lose someone or something we care for it can feel like one of the darkest moments in our lives. Let me read a portion of it for us and I want you to pay attention to the emotions that King David expresses.
PSALM 22 – KING DAVID IDENTIFIES HIS EMOTIONS
Psalm 22:1-8
1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? 2 My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest. 3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the one Israel praises. 4 In you our ancestors put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them. 5 To you they cried out and were saved; in you they trusted and were not put to shame. 6 But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by everyone, despised by the people. 7 All who see me mock me; they hurl insults, shaking their heads. 8 “He trusts in the LORD,” they say, “let the LORD rescue him. Let him deliver him, since he delights in him.”
King David felt some immensely deep and painful emotions. Some of the feelings I heard were forsaken, anguished, abandoned, scorned, despised, mocked, and insulted. These are feelings that I don’t think I would ever express publicly, but David did. Not only did he express it in the Bible, but he expressed them to God. Openly expressing our emotions can feel inappropriate for a variety of reasons, but King David didn’t hold back. His emotions were raw and unfiltered, but honest. How honest are your emotions in your darkest moments? I know for me, sometimes I will deflect or minimize and tell myself things like everything happens for a reason or God is in control, but I have a hard time being honest with others how I feel. If there’s anything we can learn from Psalm 22, it’s that we can be honest with our emotions. And if you need any more reassurance to know that it’s ok to be honest with your emotions, this same psalm was quoted by Jesus. When Jesus was crucified, he quoted Psalm 22:1.
“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
David was referred to as a man after God’s own heart (1 Samuel 13:14, Acts 13:22) and Jesus is God’s one and only son who has been in a loving relationship with God for eternity. If they can be vulnerable with God about their emotions in their darkest time, so can we. So can we. Whatever it is that prevent us from feeling our emotions, whether its cultural, personal, or assumptions that we have, we must understand that it is completely ok to feel our emotions and express them.
BEING HONEST WITH OUR EMOTIONS HELPS US HEAL
Even psychological studies show that relationship between vulnerability and connection. The more vulnerable you are with others, the deeper the connection. Being vulnerable with our emotions allows others to know our deepest needs and this helps others care and support us in ways that meet our needs. Being vulnerable with others and God helps us feel cared for and we see this in the rest of Psalm 22. In the first half of the Psalm, King David goes back and forth between complaining to God and then praising God, but at verse 19, the psalm takes a unique turn and becomes all praise. Let me read it to you.
19 But you, LORD, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me. 20 Deliver me from the sword, my precious life from the power of the dogs. 21 Rescue me from the mouth of the lions; save me from the horns of the wild oxen. 22 I will declare your name to my people; in the assembly I will praise you. 23 You who fear the LORD, praise him! All you descendants of Jacob, honor him! Revere him, all you descendants of Israel! 24 For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help. 25 From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly; before those who fear you I will fulfill my vows. 26 The poor will eat and be satisfied; those who seek the LORD will praise him—may your hearts live forever! 27 All the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the LORD, and all the families of the nations will bow down before him, 28 for dominion belongs to the LORD and he rules over the nations. 29 All the rich of the earth will feast and worship; all who go down to the dust will kneel before him— those who cannot keep themselves alive. 30 Posterity will serve him; future generations will be told about the Lord. 31 They will proclaim his righteousness, declaring to a people yet unborn: He has done it!
After expressing his emotion that he felt abandoned by God, he became dependent to God. In Luke 23:46 Jesus says,
“Father, into your hands I commit my spirit”.
So, in the midst of our darkest moments, being vulnerable with how you feel can help you stay connected with who can care for you. Being vulnerable with how you feel can help you stay connected with who can save you. And it’s no coincidence that following Psalm 22 is Psalm 23, a very well-known Psalm that says this. I’ll be reading it from the New Living Translation.
1 The LORD is my shepherd; I have all that I need. 2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. 3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. 4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. 5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. 6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the LORD forever.
Imagine that. After King David and Jesus who were completely honest and vulnerable about feeling abandoned by God, in return gets to experience the complete comfort that God has for them. In being honest about feeling abandoned, disrespected, and mocked are then led by the shepherd to experience rest from the chaos. Their strength is renewed. Their fear is extinguished. They are protected and comforted. They experience an overflow of blessing. I trust that this applies to us too. That in our loss, we can be vulnerable and express our emotions to God without holding back. And I trust that God can handle whatever we feel about him regarding our loss. And in turn, we will experience his comfort. So find ways to allow yourself to be honest with how you feel. Be honest with others and be honest with God.