Friendship Is the Hallmark of a Healthy Marriage
Decades of research into relationships by Dr. John Gottman has led to one simple secret to long-term vitality in marriage: be your partner’s friend.
Transcript
It’s February, and that means RiverLife’s annual relationship series. This year, we turn our attention back to the marital relationship with a 6-week sermon series entitled “Married Friends.” Today, we kick off the series by exploring how “Friendship is the Hallmark of a Healthy Marriage.”
Let me start by sharing my story. Greg and I met in the first semester of our freshman year at college. I don’t think we had even conversed with each other until the second semester when he asked me to see a movie with him, which ended up being the beginning of our romantic relationship. The year after graduation, we got married.
To be honest, the early years of marriage were challenging and painful. Although we had dated for four years before getting married, I had too quickly gotten emotionally and physically attached to Greg without really getting to know him as an individual who was not in a relationship with me. When the honeymoon phase was over and we had to face the challenges of creating a life together, the warm fuzzies of infatuation and romance diminished more and more with each occurrence of misunderstanding and hurt. Several years into the marriage, I wasn’t sure if our marriage would survive.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love would have diagnosed us as lacking intimacy, that ingredient that characterizes deep friendship where there is mutual fondness, acceptance, respect, goodwill, honesty, support, and enjoyment. In his model, three very important ingredients are needed to have a vibrant and strong marriage: passion, intimacy, and commitment.
Passion is the physical and sexual attraction that leads to romance and physical intimacy. When there’s only passion in the relationship, Sternberg calls this “infatuation.”
Intimacy is the emotional closeness and connectedness that leads to depth of knowing each other. It is the warmth shared by two people who really like each other.
Commitment is the decision to be with the person and the continued commitment to the relationship over time. If there is only commitment without passion or intimacy, Sternberg calls this “empty love.”
Sternberg’s theory says that all three components must be present and in full amounts for there to be what he calls “consummate love”—where the couple are lovers who share passion for each other and have kept the spark of attraction burning; where they are best friends who are honest, caring, and supportive; and where the couple are faithful and committed to each other and to working on the relationship for the long haul.
I’m pretty sure you’ve stopped listening to me at this point, because you are now evaluating your own relationship and trying to figure out how it’s doing on passion, intimacy, and commitment. Go ahead, I’ll pause a moment to give you time to self-reflect on the state of your couples relationship.
Now, back to Greg and me: Our dating and early years of marriage were filled with passion and commitment, but without a strong foundation of friendship, we struggled to understand, accept, and celebrate each other. We would sometimes say, “I know you love me, but I’m not sure you like me.”
What we needed was to become better friends.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 is a Bible passage that is often cited at weddings. It reads:
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: 10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. 11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
In the verses coming right before this passage, King Solomon writes about a lonely, greedy man who has no son or brother. He works very hard to get rich and that seems to be all he does, but as he is laboring away, he realizes the uselessness of his work since there is no one to share his wealth! And he wonders why he isn’t enjoying life more.
Then Solomon writes that it is better to have a trusted companion than to go through life alone.
This passage is not specific to a married couple—this could describe any two people who are in a relationship where there is mutual help and support. And since they are sharing a bed, hopefully, they are good friends! Notice the benefits of this friendship:
They work together and accomplish more than if they were by themselves.
They help each other during difficult times and literally pick each other up.
They provide warmth for each other when it’s cold outside.
They have each other’s back and will fight to keep the other one safe.
While Solomon spends a lot of time in the book of Ecclesiastes bemoaning the futility and meaninglessness of life, it is surprising that he pauses in this passage to acknowledge the usefulness and importance of companionship and friendship. It’s as if he finally found something under heaven that is worthwhile!
Modern-day researchers have “discovered” this same truth.
In looking at couples who have been married a long time—30 years or more—researchers have found that friendship and things that contribute to friendship are the top ingredients of these marriages.
When comparing couples who divorce and couples who are still married, researchers have also found that one of the main differences between the two groups is that in stable marriages, the couples do things that contribute to the friendship between the partners.
In fact, one researcher found that 70% of couples identified the quality of friendship with their partner as the factor that affected their level of happiness.
Similarly, a 2019 study by Shawn Grover and John F. Helliwell on couples and happiness found that married and cohabiting couples were happier than those without a partner. More astoundingly, married couples who said their spouse was their best friend had twice as much additional life satisfaction as married couples who were not each other’s best friend.
Grover and Helliwell also found that more men than women identified their spouse as their best friend.
Perhaps one of the most well-known relationship researchers is psychologist John Gottman. Gottman and his associates have studied couples and marital relationships for nearly 50 years! Originally, couples were observed and videotaped at their laboratory, fondly called the “Love Lab.” Couples would be hooked to machines to measure their heart rate, blood pressure, and perspiration as they discussed topics of disagreement. Data from observing and recording thousands of couples has been collected and analyzed in minute detail.
Numerous books and conferences later, this is their conclusion:
“Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship…(of) mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company….Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” (Gottman & Silver, 1999, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work).
The inference is that without friendship, it is easy to become adversarial and view and treat your spouse as your rival or even your enemy. When you are competing and fighting against your spouse, you will likely do and say whatever it takes for you to win—which usually means you end up being disrespectful, thoughtless, and unkind.
We all know someone who is respectful and oh-so charming to outsiders and strangers, but when they turn to speak to their spouse, their face and tone of voice change, and they speak with impatience, anger, and disgust. They treat outsiders way better than they treat the person who is closest to them.
Gottman and his team report that they can predict with 91% accuracy which couples will stay together and which couples will end their relationship. That is an astounding accuracy rate! They identify and quantify specific behaviors so that they can tell the difference between couples who are happily married (these they call the “masters”) and couples who are unhappily married and will likely (which they call the “disasters”).
We can all learn from these masters of marriage—whether you’re in a relationship now, hope to be someday, or just want to have healthy friendships.
Gottman says, “For all the attention my ability to predict divorce has earned me, the most rewarding findings to come out of my studies are the Seven Principles that will prevent a marriage from breaking up” (1999, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p.3)
The good news is that disasters don’t have to stay in that status. They can learn the principles and habits of the masters, transform their marriages into healthy, happy unions, and prevent divorce! Just because
In a nutshell, two key findings about the masters in marriage guide changes that need to be made:
“Happily married couples behave like good friends, and they handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways.”
“Happily married couples are able to repair negative interactions during an argument, and they are able to process negative emotions fully.”
In this Married Friends series, we will address these crucial components of successful marriages by covering the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, though we won’t present them in the same order as in the book. We highly recommend you get the book and do the assessments and exercises as we make our way through the Seven Principles.
In the next five weeks, we’ll cover these topics:
2/11 - Are You a Bad Friend?
2/18 - Becoming Good Friends
2/25 - Repairing Ruptures
3/3 - Managing Conflict Like Teammates
3/10 - Doing Life Together
Wherever your marriage is right now on that spectrum from disaster to master, God wants to and He can grow and transform it into a healthy, thriving marriage! Greg and I are living proof of that. Over the years and decades, we’ve had to learn how to develop and nurture our friendship. And by God’s grace, we’ll be celebrating 30 years of marriage this April.
We’re excited to see what God will do for you!
